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The War In My Head

Black is the darkest colour, resulting from the absence or complete absorption of light. Like white and grey, it is an achromatic colour, literally a colour without hue.”

That’s what I feel like recently. Like I have been cut off from all light, and I’m surrounded by darkness, with no real purpose. I am 21 years old and apparently have depression. I say apparently because I still haven’t phoned up to arrange CBT like the doctor recommended, a phone call in which they would determine whether or not I have it . I keep telling myself that I will be fine, but I know I’m not.

I have my good days. I sit and have fun, think about what I will do next on here, tweet something witty and clever to Scott, Janet, Grace or Vicky. I send weird voice messages to Becki, and send pointless snaps to Lauren. I listen to music a lot too. Mostly Janet, Grace or a band called Don Broco. It’s the music from these guys that helps me have these good days, without them I don’t know if I’d have any.

But mostly I have my bad days. Like today. I will sit and think about things over and over, worrying about the littlest things. The problem is, they don’t seem so little to me. To others I might seem like I’m just being silly, but this all really bothers me.

I was somewhat letting out my thoughts to my best friend. Trying not to cry, I spoke the only words that would come out, some of which weren’t even sentences. Things like;

  • My severe dislike of my face and body.
  • Being left out all the time as a kid and even now as an adult.
  • Having no talents or skills.
  • Not being sophisticated enough.
  • Being “a waste of space”.
  • Feeling like a failure.
  • Worrying about the inevitable failure of my relationship, because everything I touch turns to shit.
  • Worrying about the after effects of the latter, because nobody else would want me.
  • I’m 21, still live with my mum and have no job because I’m not good enough.
  • Being awkward, boring and no fun to talk to.
  • Having “friends” that only interact with me because I know people they know.
  • Only being invited out because they don’t want me to see their pictures of “last nights epic party” on Facebook and feel bad.
  • There are so many more but ultimately I feel like a nobody.

I feel like I’m in vicious cycle and I can’t get out. I’m always hurting, because I know I’m not good enough. I’m just that annoying dude who watches cartoons, collects toys and doesn’t really do anything with his life. To me, right now… That’s all I feel I will ever be.

There is no real positive ending to this post. I’m not making stupid plans, I will keep trying to find happiness, it’ll just take some time. I just wanted you all to understand me better. Everything you see is an act, and I don’t let this me out often because I’m a mess. I’ve been through so much crap the past 7 years especially. I’m alive, but I didn’t come out stronger like everyone else. I came out weaker, and vulnerable. Mentally worn out and scared. I just want to be happy.