Hello readers, I am back again after another short while away. Things have been weird in my personal life but at least I am now putting out some content!
So today I am going to be talking to you about self-esteem, more specifically about my issues. At this point I think it is well established that including research isn’t my strong point, however I’m hoping that through my experience I can maybe help someone. I might not help anyone, who knows… I talk too much. Onto the post!
On the outside I feel like I’m a pretty average person. Not in a bad way; I am quite open, talkative, a rather nice guy. I don’t mind being nothing special.
That last sentence was a lie.
You see I have struggled for years with my self-esteem, stemming back to when I was very young. Being pushed around by a less than pleasant parent and forced to hear every other day that I’m “nothing special” or a “waste of space”, wasn’t the greatest way to grow up. I do feel like it could’ve been worse but that’s probably down to my mother being awesome and sticking up for me (I know she doesn’t read these, so I can show all the appreciation I want and it not be cheesy!). That being said, it was still rather shitty to put it bluntly. Belittled at every possible opportunity, treated like some kind of lesser competition that had to be outdone… I was just a kid. I could go on, but it would get TOO personal and would defeat the object of the post. Basically, I was bullied.
Then came school where the exact same things happened. For some reason I’ve always struggled making friends from as far back as playgroup. Socially awkward and quite the fool if I’m being honest. Yet again being told that I was nothing special and that some people only were my friend because they felt sorry for me. It hurt but I still stuck around people because I didn’t want to be alone. I was the immature, show-off, lonely tag-along who had no real friends and was the easiest target for bullies.That carried on at both secondary schools I was at until I finally left in Year 12 (I won’t go into that, I barely was apart of it).
What sort of things was I bullied for? Well let me bullet point it for you;
- The fact I couldn’t afford amazing clothes.
- The one time I had pickled onion crisps at school.
- My forehead.
- My nose.
- My hairstyles.
- Because I liked wrestling.
- Because of who I (then) supported in football.
- My taste in music.
- Because I was a martial artist.
- Because I was doing first aid training.
- I wanted to start a band (and can’t sing).
- My height.
- Because I dated someone who had dandruff.
- Because I get ginger bits in my hair.
- Because I dated someone who was ginger.
- Because I had a girlfriend who was technically in learning support.
- Generally people I’ve been with, or just been friends with.
There are more but you get the idea. Everything you can think of, I’ve probably been bullied for it. There comes a time when after all that your self-esteem can’t any more. You’re at the lowest of low points.
After leaving school I did nothing for like 2 or 3 years. I just stayed at home playing video games, having “alone time”, I think I had a one night stand (oh the regrets, I hated it) and so much more that did absolutely nothing for my mental health.
Along comes a girl who I thought could change all that. I’ll spare you the details but she clearly needed some mental health support and took everything out on me. I sunk further than the bottom, I was a wreck. I may not think much of myself but even I knew then and definitely know now, I deserved better than that.
Normally at this point I’d catch you up to speed with all the recent things that have made me happier, but that isn’t the point of this. I’m merely pointing out the negatives that caused me to sink so low. Granted everything that has happened since then has generally made me feel better, made me a better person. The people that have had that effect know damn well who they are (two-sweet me!). The downside is that I’m still not there with my self-esteem.
I know my worth. I know I should think higher of myself but it is so damn hard, especially with depression always lurking in the shadows. If I screw up I suffer in my own mind, reminding myself that I screwed up until I either rectify that mistake or admit defeat. I am still not a fan of my own looks. I have come to at least accept that I look decent, but in no way am I a looker. I don’t have fancy abs or arm muscles, I don’t have a chiselled jawline and great eyes. At this point though it’s good enough for me. I’m not going to change, so I’ve had to accept it and try not to see it as negative.
I don’t ever think my self-esteem is going to be perfect, in fact I think I’ll always doubt myself. I’ve been put down so many times, even recently being told I’m the cause of someone’s mental health issues. At least though I have come to terms with it and am happy in the rest of my life. Remember though, other people suffer just like I have. Some way worse than others. Don’t be a bully, don’t put somebody down. Try your best to be a good human. The world sucks but it doesn’t mean you have to suck and tell someone else they suck. I’m all out of analogies.