As of late, I have been feeling odd. I’ve been on a journey of self discovery, something I shall explain at a later date. The jist though, is I don’t feel the same as everyone else. I feel different.
Because of this I have been noticing patterns in myself, but one thing that has caught my eye (and isn’t really related to my side quest) is that I feel annoying. Now looking at this you might say “everyone can be annoying” or if you know me personally “yeah, you are lol”. The thing is, it goes deeper than that.
See I know I can be annoying sometimes, but the problem is I feel annoying all the time. Even when I know I’m probably fine, my brain tells me I’m an embarrassment and everyone hates me. That I’m annoying and I should just shut up.
Though it’s likely my depression making me feel that way, I still end up feeling like crap. I become awkward, talk nonsense, apologise profusely for things that I haven’t actually done. Then the vicious cycle begins. I start to worry that me being that way is annoying, and the cycle repeats until I go away and hate myself for a rather long time.
I eventually feel okay about myself, which doesn’t last long, because then I feel like an idiot for ever worrying and feeling crap. Luckily that feeling fades after a while and I feel fine again, until the next “annoying” sequence.
I know a lot of you may feel the same or similar. You may feel like nobody cares or wants you. Well let me tell you something, I love you all as you are, please don’t change. If you feel annoying or alone, come and talk to me. I may be busy quite often, but I’ll always reply. You’ll never be annoying to me.
Post by Michael Sallabank